| Tired. |
[May. 29th, 2012|05:18 am] |
so it's the end of my four day bridge work week. I get off in about 40 minutes and then an hour and a half later i begin work at school. I'm already tired, I'm already wishing for a nap and I still haven't even gotten started the second job.
so far though this new job is a godsend. even on the least productive day I'm pretty productive. I'm writing on my novel I'm polishing up and revising poetry I'm planning out where I'm going to submit. I feel very good about myself at the end of the day, and I actually look forward to coming to this job.
now I really need some people to read my stuff and be able to offer me certain sorts of input. I have a lot of questions about how I should approach the writing of the novel and it would be really great to have a handful of people to bounce ideas off. I post stuff on facebook and all I get is likes and one our two comments that really don't offer any help. I don't really want to join any writing workshops or anything because I really don't want to have to read other peoples rough drafts and I'm not really looking for lengthy critiques. I'm just looking for people to read and give me answers to particular questions.
with all this productivity comes the reality that I will finish stuff and it will be ready to submit and I will have a lot of stuff to send out into the world. and reality always kind of creeps me out a little bit. I really need to grow a backbone and aggressively start marketing my material. but I always cowered away from it in the past. I hope things will be different this time. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2012|01:32 am] |
Modern Poetry
I am Florida fall days
Green and gold and blue
Cool beneath a tree where
The breeze is a giddy princess
Whispering, she says
Memories turn idle
Moments into fairytales
I am gold-spun skin
And growing t-shirt shadows
I watch the October flowers
Press their petals to their lips
The sky is an ocean and fire blur
She says
I am a neutral angel
I bring you the grail
I am an empty white hand
She breeze-flutters my hair
Whispers sonnets of being alive
Under nights opened wide
With stars she says
In our darkness
We shine brightest
I am flickering candle lips
Chanting the mantra of her zen
Like the line of a fading horizon
She grows softer
She says
We are not made hollow we are
Filled with all that we search for |
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| I just installed livejournal on my phone, so now I can apparently read and post anytime I want to. |
[May. 27th, 2012|12:49 am] |
I just installed livejournal on my phone, so now I can apparently read and post anytime I want to. and since I just started a job working four nights a week as a bridge tender at a drawbridge I'll have plenty of time. My main priority is to write. Some of that will be creative writing but some of that will also be reflective and journal writing. So much has been going on lately, which is a big reason why I haven't been posting here, um, so I hopefully will have some time to write about it.
For a while it was mostly bad but lately it has been mostly good so... here's hoping that continues.
So who still reads this? Who still post here? Where is everybody? How is every body?
Like I said I'm working as a bridge tender. I love this job I'm literally in an ivory tower I'm on the water, both great places for a cancer to be. I had a horrific job is a high school english teacher and next year I will be working as a college english professor. I hope to do a lot of writing a lot of revision a lot of marketing and hopefully in the next few months I'll start publishing.
That's the good stuff the bad stuff has a higher word requirement. I'll write about that some other time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2012|10:03 pm] |
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Read a post from about a year ago where I say, is this my life now, going from one crisis situation to the next? And apparently, yes, that is my life right now. And I don't know how much more I can handle. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2012|09:29 pm] |
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Most of my posts are friends only. Friend me if you want to read more. (And introduce yourself if you want me to friend you.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2011|12:18 am] |
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I called the hospital and asked to speak with the nurse. I'm very proud of how i handled the situation. My mother had told me earlier that the doctor told her that he didn't know if she would make it through the night. The nurse told me that she had recently woken up and wasn't feeling any pain. I told her if she tended to my grandmother and she was awake to tell her I had called asking after her. I asked her to have the doctor call me when he tends to her in the morning. I got off the phone and called my mother and told her the positive turn and got off the phone from that feeling pretty good. Then the nurse called saying that my grandmother wanted to talk to me. She sounded horrible--hoarse, out of it, miserable. She barely understood anything I said. The good thing I guess was that she seemed pleased to talk to me, but... man... did that knock the positive right out of me. I cried for about two seconds and then it dried up. I wanted more tears to come, desperately, but they didn't come. Then I felt bad for not feeling worse. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2011|09:26 pm] |
Facebook and Livejournal serve as good analogies of circumstances in my life. I've been spending a lot of time looking at facebook, reading the short, usually pointless status updates and posting short, often misunderstood, usually pointless sometimes inappropriately emotional status updates.
While livejournal...
I do my best self-reflection when I write, and I've often thought that I did my best self-reflection in livejournal. Lately I've realized that I have not been doing much self-reflection. I haven't neatened up the pathways in my head. I haven't organized my thoughts the way I should pick up my shoes and dirty socks from the living room and put them where they belong. The result is I've been moving around the cave of my mind totally unable to find anything. And issues that should be confronted are sitting in the sink of my mind like smelly, moldy food encrusted on dishes. Attracting flies the way my unresolved issues slowly accumulate self-doubts.
So now I've gone months without real contribution to livejournal, which is therapeutic, and I've spent too much time loitering on facebook. And in my real life, I keep my apartment clean, but I've neglected the nooks and crannies and my kitchen has attracted flies that I just can't get rid of. My every thought is echoed by doubt. I greet compliments with thoughts of why this person is blowing smoke up my ass. I've been much less depressed lately--I don't know if that is improved health and I don't know if that improved health is owed to Olive leaf Extract, but I really think that is part of it--but that is seriously despite my thought process most of the time.
So. I've said goodbye to facebook for the time being. It is not a break-up. It is not a bad friend because it never claimed to be a friend in the first place, but, just like in my life, most of the conversations I have are with acquaintances and I seem to be mistaking acquaintances for friends. Yet I am not trying to cultivate any friendships of those acquaintances. So I'm living on social and intellectual junkfood both in and out of the home. I could bitch and moan that none of the acquaintances make an effort to cultivate a friendship with me, but what does that prove, other than the possibility that these people are engaged in the same sorts of lives that I am?
This is kind of a forward. I am going to try to spend a lot of time on here. I might be full of shit. I might find myself needing to moderate how much time I spend on here inasmuch as I come to spend too much time here writing about life and not enough time living it. Who the fuck knows? It's time to start cleaning up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2010|03:47 am] |
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So anybody use livejournal anymore? I just started up again. |
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| Writer's Block: Random acts of kindness |
[Sep. 16th, 2010|03:37 am] |
I was at a club in Lake Worth and a young punk got a little messed up in the pit. He carved a long gash in the top of his head and suffered a minor concussion. I got an ice compress and held it on his head, applying pressure alternately with that and a rag and made sure he stayed alert for about half an hour. Learned his name midway through and saw him around a few times after that. That's the first thing that comes to mind cause I'm already in the middle of writing about that period. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2010|01:28 pm] |
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I've made about 99% of my journal friends only. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 20th, 2010|12:27 am] |
Going back through my livejournal from start to finish. This will take a while.
It has been painful. A comment early on--an exclamation of love--really caught me off guard. I'm trying to turn the pain of loss into something positive. There is much about me to love. Dammit.
I am not trying to distract myself from my thesis, but I think the exercise of going through memory will help me with my memory there as well. Too bad--the thesis is from 1980-1999 and lj is 2000+. I'm guessing that the next "memoir" I write will be based mainly on the lj posts.
I miss when lj seemed as popular as facebook. When blogging was as much a part of my daily routine as texting is now. Texting offers no real internal reflection and there is no intimacy.
I have a feeling I'llbe writing in here more often, since I'm going to be spending some time here anyway.
Anybody still out there? |
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| Very good advice. |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|11:57 am] |
Love is saying "I feel differently" instead of "You're wrong."
::sigh::
“I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
"We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak." ~Epictetus
“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” Lao Tzu |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2009|11:12 pm] |
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Hug those you love every day and tell them you love them. That includes yourself. |
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| Helpful quotes |
[Jun. 15th, 2009|01:49 pm] |
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
-Sir Winston Churchill
To double your success rate, you must double your failure rate.
-Thomas Edison
Action is the foundational key to all success.
-Pablo Picasso
Failure is success if we learn from it.
-Malcolm Forbes
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
-Bill Cosby
Success doesn't come to you, you go to it.
-Marva Collins
If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down.
-Mary Pickford
A minute's success pays the failure of years.
-Robert Browning
A man may fall many times, but he won't be a failure until he says that someone pushed him. ~Elmer G. Letterman
Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.
~F. Scott Fitzgerald |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2009|12:18 am] |
We need to satisfy our needs. We are in danger when we don’t make attempts to satisfy those needs. We bury them and deny they exist until our consciousness forgets about them. The lack of satisfaction continues to gnaw at us, though, and we become angry and closed off and don’t really know why. It becomes tough when we don’t know the origins of some of our issues. But if we begin to open up things become a little clearer, like the water level of a flood lowering, landmarks become more clear, even if they are still underwater. We can at least start to navigate. When you’re in a relationship and you aren’t satisfying social needs, you may find yourself blaming your partner. You’re needs aren’t being met. This is the person you expect to meet most of your needs. Your subconscious, your ego doesn’t care that she isn’t responsible for ALL of them, that is left up to the rational mind to take care of. Maybe you need to geek out from time to time. Maybe you need someone to talk to about your relationship (which I never did), maybe you need someone to talk to about horses. Maybe you need a friend of the same sex to bond with. So you may find yourself starting to become unsatisfied with a perfectly constructive relationship that satisfies your healthy needs and would not leave you wanting more if you took care of your own shit. If you don’t take care of your needs, the tension can pop up in inappropriate places. Work stress can pop up in your sex life, for example, sexual problems pop up in your social life, social problems pop up in your love life or work life. Any combination is possible. If you don’t satisfy your needs in one area you find yourself trying to satisfy them in others. If you don’t like your home life, you might stay at work hours longer every day taking care of work that simply has to be done. You may convince yourself that you’re okay. Two things happen when you don’t satisfy your needs. You convince yourself that you don’t need these things until you no longer feel the need. It’s buried deeply. Or you convince that there is no way that you could meet these needs or that you do not deserve to have these needs met. Either you deny the need or you convince yourself that the universe or god will deny the need, perhaps because you’re not worthy enough. How sad it is when we convince ourselves we don’t deserve something. We will become depressed, frustrated, bitter. I don’t know yet if I believe I deserve what I want. I’ve been telling myself that I do. I feel like if I keep doing good and doing good works that I will deserve it and feel that I deserve it, but I need to believe I deserve what I want merely because I’m a human being. But I also need to work at it. Everything we want, everything, needs work. You either need to work to get it or work to keep it. Usually both. I’d say let the work be enough, but I think that’s wrong. If we don’t think we deserve it we will work out fingers to the bone. We will let people walk all over us just to allow us to be in their presence. We will never feel secure. We’ll feel jealous and possessive. You must both believe you deserve something and believe that IT deserves maintenance. Real possessions need to be taken care of. People need to be cared for. Whether it is a friend or the love of your life—you need to be what you want them to be. If it is the love of your life, BE the love of their life. If it is a friend, be an angel—because that is what friends are. |
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| Cue Rocky theme music. And get me an ankle brace. |
[May. 30th, 2009|11:40 pm] |
At the beginning of the week I started running for the pain. By "running for the pain" I mean my main goal is to hit the wall, jog non-stop until I can't really run anymore. If my body can keep going I want to train my mind to keep going. I keep whining a little and wanting to stop but I ask myself, "Is my body still running? Yes. Because it can. So shut the fuck up and learn determination." That's the main goal: learning determination. The secondary goal is to hit the runners high, Tertiary is to gain benefit from excercise of improved tolerance and and antidepressent. The ...fourthiery goal is to lose weight and get in better shape.
I figured that I would do the current route, three miles, for the couple of more weeks I thought it would take me to outgrow it and move to a longer route. I outgrew it tonight. I hurt my ankle, cramp maybe, halfway through but I worked the pain out and I still got all the way home with energy to spare. What I want is to hit the wall, push through, enjoy the runner's high for a little while, and walk for a good half mile after that while enjoying the sense of peace and accomplishment the jog gives me. Before this week I struggled to run a mile before stopping. Three miles! And the even better thing is I don't know how much more it really is that I can run. And the cherry on top is that I ran it in ten minutes less time than last time. I had no idea that I was ALREADY capable of so much more than I had ever done before. I think this is a fantastic lesson to learn and I learned it in the middle of the endorphin rush of the jog.
I think everybody needs something like this, and I think exercise is one of the best ways to get it. Other good ways might be work, charity, similar things. As long as you challenge yourself mentally or physically or emotionally in such a way that you're testing your limits and pushing them further and further away and also contributing to something else like health and self esteem.
My ankle and knee hurt now, though. I'm going to have to get a new pair of sneakers before my next jog. I'm glad I can afford to do that. Actually, I can't afford not to do that.
DOES ANBODY KNOW OF ANY PLACE WHERE THEY WILL CHECK MY FEET OUT, SEE WHAT SORT OF STEP I HAVE AND GIVE ME THE PROPER SNEAKERS?? (IN SO FLA) |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2009|01:29 pm] |
I went for a jog at 1:00 in the morning. I wanted to feel the pain. It took two miles of non-stop jogging for it to happen, but the whole time I was feeling a growing lack of determination. I thought to myself at one point, "I need at least this much determination to do some of the more relevant things in my life and I barely have it." I think that helped push me. Then, toward the end of my jog, I hit a long straightaway beside a lake. I thought to myself, "This is like where I am in my life right now. I'm starting off feeling like I don't have enough to make it through, I'm already exhausted, but I'll do it, the whole time feeling like I can't." As I thought that I realized that I knew I could, so why not have the right attitude. The straightaway melted away. I felt almost like I teleported through it, it was gone so fast. I hit the wall shortly thereafter. "And at the end of my life I have a massive coronary!" My chest felt like it was going to explode. I made myself feel it for a little while then started walking. I could barely stand up straight for the tightness in my chest. Then, seconds later, I walked through a massive spider web and thought there could be spiders on me, and I decided to run fast to get them off, and it was easy. Seconds earlier I was in pain from a loping jog and here I was bolting. After about ten seconds I stopped. A minute later I did it again. Twice more. Longer. When I got home I showered and there were two or three spiders on me.
I never ran that long non-stop before. I usually jog then walk then jog. But I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to knock myself up against my boundaries. I need to revisit that experience regularly for a while. I realize that I define my identity by what I do and I have a very low sense of self worth. I need to stuff like that so I can feel strong as I wrestle with my boundaries. I have so rarely pushed it that far. And, as a writer, I'm not going to get any satisfaction for a while. I already feel I am a decent writer, but so much of my identity with that right now is wrapped up in getting published and being successful. It's going to be nothing but fear for a while. Is this good enough? Will I get published? Will people buy my book? Will it be easier or harder to publish the next book due to the success or lack of success of the first?
I was given a book about depression in relationships a while back and hadn't been able to read it until the semester ended. I brought it down to South Florida to read. I barely started reading when the reason I started in the first place was pulled out from under me. I'm going to read it anyway and try to open my mind past the previous relevance of the undertaking. I'm just sick of feeling inedequate.
I'm sick of feeling inadequate and wishing other people would help me. I was talking to a friend last night and I admitted that my whole life I wanted a father figure or a mentor that would show me how to be disciplined and strong and successful. I had looked for mentors through jobs and school. Part of my problem is that I've treated others the way I wanted to be treated--and nobody else wants to be taught. Nobody. Not even students. And I talk too much. So I'm going to do all my talking on paper (or the computer screen) and just shut the fuck up. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2009|12:57 am] |
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Getting deep into writing a novel. And today something bad happened that leaves me feeling very alone. But writing is a very lonely occupation. I'm not going to let it get me. I'll just think of it as now I have some emotional power that I can focus into the book. The book is all about the troubles in relationships. (And lacks thereof.) So I'll just be writing about it from a much closer perspective than I thought I would be. I WILL be done with this by the end of the summer. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|02:22 am] |
Was driving around and Unsent by Alanis Morissette played on shuffle. I like the song; something about hearing it tonight really touched me. Maybe it's the remembrance of past relationships and what she got out of them, and thinking about them after the fact. I've been remembering past relationship and what I've gotten out of them, what I value. Most of what I remember at this point is what I value. I am not really that good at remembering the bad stuff. I think sometimes about how the relationships changed me. Usually, I think, for the good, sometimes for the bad, and I worry about how I might have changed some of them for the bad, and hope that most of the ways I changed people were for the good. When I came home, after listening to it a couple of times, I had to read the lyrics and then found an MTV unplugged clip with the song and her talking about it and other things, and found the actual music video. I always liked her. I know some people just loathe her for their reasons, but I always liked her. I wish I could remember her on You Can't Do That On Television, because I watched that show all the time when I was in middle school. I watched Nickelodeon a lot in those days. They had a lot of cool movies geared towards young adults and the programming was quirky and sometimes adventurous. Not like the crap I see nowadays which all seems like cartoons trying to outdo Ren and Stimpy and tv shows that seem to hire the worst, hammiest child actors in the world.
While Alanisizing I checked out the Crazy video, which isn't bad... which is saying a lot, because I worship that song. I think Alanis makes it hers. Crazy is a song I should be thinking more about right now. I need to be one with that song right now. I need to grok that song right now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|04:04 pm] |
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Back in West Palm late Wednesday night and I'll be there through Monday night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2009|04:06 am] |
Movies 18-20
Choke Chuck Palahniuk's book was pretty good. He is a good writer and this story was really good as social experiment, in a way. The characterization was okay. The new breed of writer's seem motivated mainly to reate a quirky story and making it real and emotionally relevant is important, but only to show that can be done with their quirky story idea. In Fight Club, the idea and the revolution and the plot trappings were the important things. The emotional relevance was just sort of... It was his way of saying, "Look, I can take your mold and put it in my mold. Look. My mold is bigger." No. It isn't bigger, because you took the emotional trappings and diminished them.
The movie was bad. The only good in it was the quirky dynamism of the book. The movie was like a rushed survey of the book. It touches on almost everything in the book without developing any of it to the point that it was truth.
The Hotel New Hampshire I have the exact same criticism about this that i have about Choke. An imcompetent teen tour guide with no sense of pacing is leading the viewer through a worthwhile museum pointing out only the things he likes and then showing an ignorance about what makes each display good and what connects them all together. The book was pretty good. It was quirky and had a lot of heart. The movie couldn't decide where to look for a heart so it just crammed all of the quirky details of the book into the movie so the audience could gawk at the deviations from convention, but it did nothing to get into the relevance of any of those twists and turns. Jodie Foster was really pretty, though.
My Best Friend's Girl I had high hopes for this movie when I was an hour in and realizing that it was taking a different approach as it headed toward the end. It's a romantic comedy, so you know there is going to be some point toward the end when the boy fucks up or get caughts in a fuck up from the recent past, and the girl dumps him and some time later, after having a chance to either redeem himself or absorb the new life lessons, they get back together.I really thought this movie was going to avoid that trap an do something different with it and I was looking forward to that. Not only was I let down, but I really think the movie wanted to go where I thought it was headed but somebody in the business end of things told them, no. We want that conventional romantic comedy moment. Well, fuck you, shitheads. You made another mediocre movie. The only part of it that seemed like it was working was the part that you didn't really understand. The guy portrayed himself as a dick the whole time. The girl saw through that. He was in the clear. There was no mistake for which he had to pay for. So what happened? Not only did he repeat that but he immediately regretted it, and he never had to pay for the real crime, which was that he was sabotaging himself out of fear of growth. I don't have to explain the movie. We've all seen it before. I thought I liked Dane Cook for about five minutes, but I still dislike him.
( Full lists ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|03:53 am] |
Next week I'll be in South Florida Friday through Sunday, 27-29, for Gene Loves Jezebel Friday, The Saint Sat night in Ft. Lauderdale, and The Renaissance Festival during the day.
The following week I'll be back down Wednesday through Monday, 4-9, for a nice little break to hang out with friends and family.
THEN, immediately after that, New Orleans Tuesday through Sunday 10-15 for debauchery and food and cemeteries and alcohol.
Then I have six weeks before this semester is over. I have absolutely no fucking idea what I'm doing over the summer. I MIGHT be in New York State for a month for a writing program, but that's a shot in the dark at this point. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|09:25 pm] |
Movies13-15
Coraline Fantastic Imagery, storyline, and in 3D. I am pleased with the improvements in 3D and I'm glad more movies are going to be available in this format.
Push Fun action movie with different sorts of superpowers. Dakota Fanning has weird posture. The way the movie ended, seems like it is the first installment of a series--which would be pretty cool.
88 Minutes Suspense. I was pretty captivated the whole time. Not sure that the story would hold up to scrutiny, though.
Book 8
Einstein's Dreams Alan Lightman. This reminds me a little bit of The Martian Chronicles and Cosmicomics by Italo Calvino. They all have vignettes that are meant to illustrate some greater idea. With ED that is Einsteins musings as he developed his ideas regarding time and general relativity. The author is a physicist, so the ideas are handled with some competence. I was a little irritated by some of it, though. They don't hold up to scientific scrutiny or even psychological scrutiny. As a book about human nature, though, it succeeds very well, and many of the ideas and vignettes are memorable.
fakeFCKRemove( Entire list )~
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2009|03:07 pm] |
MYSTIFY
RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
In a some cases I added lyrics that I thought made the "answer" song more relevant to the question.
1. IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY....?
"Caroline's Song" Rain Parade
I heard that you said that you feel all alone
Do you think that they could understand...
Is it in your head are you upside down
You drive around feeling sad
2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
"Deeper Shade of Soul" Urban Dance Squad
3. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Bullet" Covenant
we are the only ones right now that are celebrating
and we are joining hands right now...
kisses on the dancefloor in my past
I need some comfort just like you
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Standing" VNV Nation
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Birthright" A Ha
Time ain't gonna hold you up
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"I'm on Fire" Bruce Springsteen
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Magic" The Cars
8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Roam" B52s
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Coming Home" Cinderella
10. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR FIRST KISS?
"Kid Fears" Indigo Girls
Hey kids
Hold on
11. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"When It's Cold I'd Like to Die" Moby
12. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Something to Believe In" The Ramones
13. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Haunted" The Pogues
14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"There is a Light That Never Goes Out" The Smiths
15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Meniscus" This Mortal Coil
(This is an instrumental. Heh)
16. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Everybody Wants to Rule the World" Tears for Fears
17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"Owner of a Lonely Heart" Yes
18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Lifelines" A Ha
19. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
"Winona" Matthew Sweet
20. WHAT IS 2+2?
"The Legend of Our Origin" Aurora
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"If She Knew What She Wants" The Bangles
22. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Hey Jude" The Beatles
And anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain,
Dont carry the world upon your shoulders.
23. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Staying Alive" The Beegees
24. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET
"Iolite" Claire Voyant"
The worst stings in life have left me numb
Please don't leave this disaster
25. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Paul Revere" Beastie Boys
26. WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"Our Darkness" Anne Clark
27. WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Center Stage"Indigo Girls
28. WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"Justify My Love" Frontline Assembly
29. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Lean on Me Club Noveau
30. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Nightshift" The Commodores
31. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Hear Comes the Rain Again" Eurythmics
32. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Mystify" INXS |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2009|12:03 am] |
I just read the His Dark Materials trilogy and Pullman has a nice take on the afterlife: that we need to have stories of our accomplishments and our loves and journeys, etc. to share with the Harpies who guard the after-life. It's actually the former part of that that's fascinating.
I've been thinking lately about my life and my stories, and it has been uplifting, and it has been making me feel like maybe I'm not a horrible person. I do feel horrible sometimes, like I haven't shared enough or done enough or contributed enough and that my life is meaningless and irrelevant. It's nice to think that I may be too hard on myself. At the same time I feel better, I also feel more inspired to add to my stories.
With that in mind... I'm finally going to start doing the 50 Experiences again. Yay!
Join with me.
I'm doing homework and lesson planning, so this is a perfect time to consider my life and some of the interesting things in my history. I am going to start all over again with this. This time I'm going to start from the beginning with my first memory.
50 EXPERIENCES:
Post 50 experiences, memories that stick out, that show who you are as a person, that are important to you.
#1 ORADELL, 2, 3 YEARS OLD.
I am probably two or three years old. Fall, in a high chair. We're at my grandparents house in Oradell. A mechanical bird is chirping in one corner; family chirping in the hallways and just beyond the screen door on the back patio. There's a lot of people. It's twilight time, half-light, the time of year and the time of day that would forever be my house of worship. Fall breeze blows in through the screen door and tickles my neck and her giggle sounds a little like Tori Amos' sighs.
I wish I could remember more. I feel like this might have been one of the happiest moments of my life. I try to picture the giggling, staring barely more than a baby that I was and I kind of know what babies are thinking when they're that small and everything is a dawning miracle.
#2 ORADELL, 3-5 YEARS OLD
My grandparent's house in Oradell, three to five years old. These memories are connected only in location and aproximate time in history.
-I walked into the kitchen and, when no one was looking, siezed upon the fridge. The shelf in the door with the cream cheese was at eye level and I fingered a bit into my mouth, quickly, then quietly closed the door. Then I went to the middle of the living room and spun round and around until the floor came up and smacked my right side. I rolled onto my stomache and crawled across the room on all fours toward dark wood upright piano. Brandy, our wise mutt watched me wearily from under the piano bench. I came to her and taunted her and she growled. No sneer or show of teeth, more like, "oh, jeez, kid, if you puke on me I swear, I'll cut you."
- Lying in bed with the ear infection that is widely accepted as the culprit responsible for my hearing loss. (Annie says it was probably not that.) Pain, aliens leave no node unturned as they look for our leader in my cranium. I don't think I've felt too much pain similar to that in my lifetime. Sound is on fire. I remember lying in bed in what was my room when I stayed there.
- Dust flecks only live in sunrays. They disappear beyond. I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom and leaning against the bed. Do dust flecks give sunrays form; would sun rays not exist if not for dust? Do sunrays warm the dust flecks and--heated--allow them to rise into a slow dance in the air. My room had maroon carpeting and subtle hues that I don't remember on the walls and a deep, darkwood frames the window where several golden rays illuminate the motion of the dust. If only I spoke more freely of my thoughts, but even then most of my questions went unanswered in my head.
It's funny to consider this: my grandmother has pictures of me singing Elvis songs and strumming loudly on a fake guitar and/or singing into the handle of one of those toy lawn mowers that are actually large transparent balls with wheels. The balls pop around when you roll it. I sang into it and swiveled my hips. I don't remember ANY of this. I did when my grandparents had family and friends over, which was often. All I remember are the memories above, quiet and lonely ones. BUT, I do look at the pictures of the crowded dinner parties and remember the sounds and feelings of them. I remember being there, but that could just be transferrence from memories of later gatherings. Maybe my current efforts to rebuild connections to old memories will bear fruit. |
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| I haven't updated this in a couple of weeks, and I really want to keep track this year so... |
[Feb. 8th, 2009|12:19 am] |
50 books (and movies) list update.
Books 3-6
The Amber Spyglass Philip Pullman (Intense, This is supposed to be a children's series, and it really seems like a veiled attempt to air teh author's religious views. That bothered me a little.)
White Noise Don DeLillo (This is supposed to be realistic language but it is SO fucking stylized that I got really sick of it after a while. There are MANY great observations here, though.)
The Curious Case of the Dog in the Nighttime Haddon (From the p.o.v. of an autistic child. Clever, sad, a brisk read despite the language that had to be stilted because it was from his p.o.v.)
You Shall Know Our Velocity Dave Eggers (I read this why? This was actually kind of annoying. A heartbreaking work of overrated genius. There were a handful of shockingly creative instances of figurative language. )
Movies 8-12
Pineapple Express (Hilarious. They have such great chemistry)
Swing Vote (Funny. I hope some average schmoes got something out of this.)
Population 436 (Creepy, but, eh)
Baby Mama (Funny, silly)
Max Payne
( The complete lists behind cut. ) |
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[Jan. 19th, 2009|04:53 pm] |
I have been daydreaming more lately.
Not the idle fantasy, the "what I would do with a billion dollars" sort of fantasy. I would almost call it meditation; it is close to mindfulness meditation. For example, I watched a large bird gliding and I imagined myself in the birds place. Yesterday I imagined the television, feeling every inch of its texture, picking it up and feeling its weight. I imagine settings--cold settings when it is hot, hot settings when it is cold. Usually I try to imagine positive things that make me feel good, because positive visualization is the basis of this mental focus/concentration regimen I'm pursuing. Positive visualization is supposed to help the body heal faster, etc, aid in developing six sense.
I am going to start practicing Transcendental Meditation again. The practice with imagination is helping me feel sharper and I feel more inclined toward tm.
The yoga practice is also becoming more regular again. I spend 30+ minutes almost every day. I might start teaching (yoga) again soon. It's funny that the teaching option comes after I've been practicing for a few weeks. Did I anticipate it, or did the practice send up a beacon of possibility? Teaching English has been pleasant so far this semester. The challenges are keeping the ones that don't give a shit interested. I can grab 'em in class, but that doesn't mean they're giving a shit when they go home. I'm going to photocopy som Sedaris and a few essays from the Wallace ed. 2007 essay collection that I think will get their interest. |
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[Jan. 15th, 2009|04:35 pm] |
A plane crashed into the Hudson River an hour ago.
It seems everybody is okay, it departed from LaGuardia for NC, circled, and then warned the passengers to brace for impact as it crashed. It's sinking right now but the people are apparently all off.
One passenger was just on t.v. talking about how calm and considerate the people were as they were escaping from the plane.
[update] A bird got into and cut the engine. |
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[Jan. 6th, 2009|05:49 pm] |
Dear 2008;
I never liked you; you were a lousy fuck. You never cleaned up after yourself. You didn't like any of my friends. I don't like any of your friends. Your work ethic was lousy, and I felt like any day you would have brought down the roof around us. I hope I never see you again. If it's any sign, I've already gotten used to writing 2009 in the first week. Usually it takes me two months to stop accidentally writing the previous year! Two months!
Yakoff Smirnoff is finally right. What a country! Barak Obama for president, Al Franken for Senator! Dammit, I like me. Are we going to have a Franken satellite feed in the Senate?
Classes start tomorrow. I went to school today to check out the tech in my classrooms... and I'm already sick of UCF. In many ways I will miss UCF. In most ways, however, I really I won't. |
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| Out with the old... |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|06:20 am] |
Had a very pleasant, low-key night with good company. Exactly what I wanted. I was tired much earlier...but now I've been getting to know Hulu and stuff and I notice its after six and I'm not even really tired. I'm going to need to take a nap if I want to go to IBar tonight. Who's going??
Last Year
-Gained 20 pounds, only some of it muscle
-Started teaching
-Was told by several of my students that I was the best English teacher they had in a while.
-Went through three cars, settled into a nice one I hope to have for a while
-Moved twice, settled into a nice place I hope to stay in for a while
-Read more than 50 books
-Stopped talking with to a best friend.
-Reconnected with two best friends
-Got a new mp3 player (ipod, bday present from Annie) I had my Creative Zen for 3+ years)
-Helped vote in the first black president and get rid of dumbass
Next Year
-Lose 20 pounds
-Improve my credit score 100 points
-Apply to next school for PhD (acceptance will probably come after in the following year)
-Enter pedagogy into AWP conference
-Read poetry in public (bonus points if I also do karaoke)
-Dance the night away (i.e. dance for two hours solid)
-Read more than 50 books
-Write two books
-Publish something, either three short things or one book
-Do a split, advanced headstand, and scorpion
-Skate a half pipe
-Go to Visit three other states
-Start taking pictures again
Help me think of some others. |
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[Dec. 18th, 2008|03:14 pm] |
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George Bush used the word "depression" about five times in a speech.
So who wants to charter a plane to Neverneverland? I hear they use sea shells and pirate teeth as currency.
Rick Sanchez can be a butthead.
I'm going to go see Day the Earth Stood Still on Imax tonight. I like Imax; it could make a shit movie look interesting so... just as long as Day isn't total shit, I'm in for a good time. I want to have more to talk about but I'm kinda just blah and uninspired. I think today will include making dinner for the moms and some exercising. Add in the movie and I'll have a good time AND feel like I accomplished something today. |
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[Dec. 16th, 2008|11:25 pm] |
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In Delray, trying to relax and also trying to be constructive. I'm going to spend an afternoon or two at a local skateboard park, try my hand at candlemaking, read a few books geared toward improving my writing, and swim, jog, and improve my flexibility every day. Right now, I'm going to play Dungeon Keeper II, read The Time Traveler's Wife, and then hit the sack. I'm going to use a gift certificate for a massage this week, see Day the Earth Stood Still on Imax, and whatever other movies get my attention, and try to get my dance on at the club as often as possible. Who's going to The Saint's gothic night next weekend? I don't have anyone to go with! |
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[Dec. 8th, 2008|07:01 pm] |
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Itunes doesn't seem to allow easy playback of unchecked songs. It won't play unchecked songs on its own. The thing is I couldnt fit my whole library on my ipod if I wanted to, so I can't keep everything checked. Right now I have a playlist where I keep everything that is supposed to be on my ipod. So when I want to use my itunes I just check everything. Then when I want to sync my ipod I uncheck in the main library and check everything in my ipod playlist. This is more of a pain in the ass than it sounds. Any alternatives? Know of any good websites that help with fine-tuning and really getting to know itunes and the ipod? The manual kinda sucks. |
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[Nov. 10th, 2008|02:54 am] |
Saturday night at IBar was great fun. No dancing but lots of good conversation. Sunday Annie and I went to a Renn Faire in Tevares. It was surprisingly sophisticated for a one-weekend affair.
Obama had an official visit to the White House today, and there was a cheering crowd of almost 1,000 people gathered to welcome him outside the gates. Did I feel this good about Clinton? I'm not sure I even felt this good about Clinton--even after he proved he could successfully guide the country and get some pleasurin' on the side. Just kidding.
WATCH THIS VIDEO.
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[Nov. 5th, 2008|01:10 am] |
I feel better than I have felt in a long time.
I'm deleting all of the news from my podcast queue. It's like everything before tonight is old news. The landscape will look different tomorrow.
I think the rest of the world is proud of us tonight. I don't think we would have seen people in other countries cheering and celebrating if McCain was elected. That people were cheering in other countries says something. "The King is dead. Long live the King"?
Still sick. Bothered by how sick I still am. But I feel good. I haven't felt like this since Clinton was reelected or since Reagan charmed the 10-year-old boy who was just starting to understand politics. I am remembering what it is like to be inspired by a public figure. I am remembering what it is like to think of a statesmen as a role model, someone I feel like I can stand behind symbolically in relation to the rest of the world. Clinton was an excellent president and he did a lot for this country but his personal discipline wasn't a match for his skill as a head of state. Barack Obama is a grand promise as both an excellent leader for the free world but as a man with values and admirable discipline. |
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jeweldevil's journal
